by Beth Banning
and Neill Gibson
http://www.FocusedAttention.com
©
2009
Do you find yourself, all too often dealing with difficult
people? How do you deal with it when a storm of angry words starts coming your
way? Do you feel physically ill when dealing with an difficult war angry person?
Do you wish you could just disappear, or snap your fingers and make them go away?
Or are you the type who becomes angry right back at them? Don't worry, these are
normal symptoms in response to someone else's anger; dealing with anger is indeed
stressful, isn't it!
The good news is that it doesn't have
to be...
Believe it or not, some people don't let it bother
them. They simply stay calm and stress-free when confronted with anger. Wouldn't
it be nice to know what they know? Well now you can! Here are a few simple tips
that will help you breathe easy the next time you must deal with an angry person.
Often
times when we realize someone is upset the first thing we do is take things personally.
We believe that the only reason they'd be upset--and telling us about it--is that
it must be about us. The very first thing to understand when dealing with these
situations is that it's all about them, not you!
I know
what you're probably thinking: "There's no way I can't take it personally
when I have this person yelling at me and throwing accusations in my face!"
There's
no question that this will be difficult at first, but when you understand this
one thing it becomes much easier to avoid taking these things to heart: Every
statement you hear someone say stems from a deep and innate desire to fulfill
their needs or to support something they value. And you operate in this same fashion
- it's human instinct.
Absolutely Everything = Needs and
Values.
For instance, someone who is upset may simply have
a need for consideration, or they might really value dependability. By getting
upset, they are trying to fulfill these needs or honor what they value.
As
an example, let's say that an angry person met with Gandhi (if he were alive).
And the first thing he says to Gandhi is, "You have no idea what it means
to suffer or face difficulties in life. You have people helping you with every
daily task you do! You're such a fake!"
Can you imagine
Gandhi responding to this as some people would-- defensively, with anger and critical
words? "I'm a fake? Why don't you try walking one day in my shoes... you
wouldn't last a minute. You selfish little man-- I bet you don't even work for
a living, you probably just go around telling everyone else how lazy they are!"
We
can imagine where this conversation would end up!
It's difficult
to think of Gandhi reacting in such a way, but why wouldn't he? What secret did
he know that most of us don't?
Gandhi realized that the
angry man in this situation has his own problems and is simply taking it out on
him. The man is upset because his needs have not been met, and things in his life
are out of harmony with his values.
So, from now on, try
to remind yourself that everything people say or do is an attempt to meet their
needs or support something they value.
The next uncomfortable
situation you find yourself in with an angry person, don't start justifying yourself,
but instead begin by remembering that their anger is about them and their life.
Don't
take it to heart.
Think about this: Do you want your wellbeing
to be dependent upon others, or do you crave happiness that is dictated only by
the decisions you make and how you choose to live your life? Take control of the
situation by aligning your values with the actions you take.
Another
great way to maintain your cool when dealing with others' anger is to take on
the stance of curiosity. Start to wonder, "Hmm, this person really seems
tense. I wonder what's happening in their life to make them so upset."
Try
to take a moment to empathize with their situation and think, "If I acted
the way they're acting toward me right now, what might possibly be happening in
my life?" Try to come up with answers.
Switching your
mindset by focusing your attention in this manner can really set you free from
acting or feeling defensive. It will guide you to a more enlightened place and
will assist you in designing your life with healthy, fulfilling relationships
you can enjoy.
"Setting an example is not the main
means of influencing others; it is the only means."
~ Albert Einstein
Let's
recap:
- Anxiety and defensiveness isn't the only way to deal with angry people.
- Whatever someone says or does is in support of something they value or to meet
some need.
- Their anger is all about them, don't take it to heart.
- Take
on the stance of curiosity.
- Your wellbeing is not dependent on how others
act or what they say.
When dealing with angry people, these
strategies will help open the door to a new sense of freedom and wellbeing. No
longer will you be controlled by your environment. You get to decide how you'll
respond and what actions you'll take.
